Closure

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

25Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26"In your anger do not sin"^[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold. 28He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

-Ephesians 4:22-28

It's been a long week. I've done a lot of work and neglected even more. I've worried over plans and seen pieces fall in and out of place. I've had my head stuck in the past and future, but rarely the present.

I've come to realize that I can be horribly inconsiderate, selfish, and stubborn. I tend to fixate and obsess, letting everything else fall to the wayside while I pursue whatever's got my attention. It's time to take a step back and do what needs to be done. This week, I'm going to attempt to do things a little differently. I've had some tensions recently between myself and my friends, my band, and my spirit. Some things have been sorted out, but there are still some gaping holes that it's time to fill.

I haven't yet decided exactly what the wisest actions for me to take are, but I'm praying that God wold show me guidance on how to finish this semester the best I can. That means that in my work, my friendships, and my faith, I need to return to the honest and righteous path that was originally set before me.

It's time for closure. As I've written before, I feel that this will be a big summer for me -- a time of growth, change, and new beginnings. First, however, there is much that must still be done (especially in terms of schoolwork!).

I pray that I would be truthful and forgiving, with the attitude of a humble servant rather than a self-important commander. Where there is confusion or tension, I pray that I would be directed to dissolve these things in the best way possible. I need a changed heart, a whole heart.

I am. I AM.

I am

• tired
• busy
• avoiding my problems
• creating much bigger ones
• distracted
• creatively inspired
• a bit depressed
• overwhelmed
• far too hopeful
• relentlessly searching
• off-schedule
• stuck in the past and future
• writing a lot, but not on here
• going to fix that
• trying to improve myself
• trying to let go
• trying not to try so hard
• going to stop this list.

"I AM." - the Name that God called Himself when Moses asked "Who should I say sent me?" ( I would look up the phrasing, but I'm not doing it right now.) The Lord God, I AM, is all that was and all that is and all that will ever be. He is all things and knows all things. We can't even understand the words of His name, let alone comprehend all that He encompasses.

In light of all the things I am and am not, and in the greater light of all that my God IS, let me learn to discard my ways and pick up the mantle of the Holy and Perfect Father. My problems arise from my humanity and my sin -- my unfulfilled desires and my selfish ways of trying to satisfy myself. If I truly believed and had the assurance of I AM, I should need nothing more.

Here's something I wrote recently. I think this was the poem I wrote after a long and strange night I'll talk about later. I'd just seen Sleeping At Last play and I had met a homeless man named Michael. I was thinking about who I wanted to be and who I am.

Flourish, O my Faith, and grow
Into a mighty tree of oak.
Forget the pains and painted woes --
The doubts that sprouted forth in smoke.

That's all there is so far. I want to work more on this.

I'll go ahead and post some more lyrics/poems I've been working on.
I think this next one will be a song with a bit of a swing feel.

Pen to paper, lips to words
Each result is so absurd
Hand to forehead, eyes to floor
Fake a smile and find the door

And it's such a tragic ending
Yes, each act is the same
I'm the Fool who keeps pretending
That he'll Rob the royal name.

More to come on that one as well. I think i've got one or two more to share... but they're in antoher notebook. Oh well. this has gone on far too logn. I'm hot from having my laptop in my lap, and I have to get up at 8 AM for class. Plus i have a 9:30 test. Darn.

Lord, let me follow You and not myself. Give me strength and purpose, assurance and will. Let me be a light for Your sake and a beacon of truth.

Good night.

Time wears thin and slumber calls/
Therefore, I will outline points/
Bullet-notes to spark my mind/
Highlights of my recent days.

I'll flesh them out later.

• Michael, the homeless friend tonight outside Exit/In
• Sleeping At Last Show tonight
• Finishing "Searching For God Knows What"
• Oh how I need my Savior
• The Unexpected
• Shower thoughts on Sunday / Church
  
• What is Love? (Baby Don't Hurt Me)

I'll end with the beginning of a poem/song/prayer I wrote on the way back tonight. I have another few poems/songs in the works that wil make there way here soon. Note to self: don't drift from the scripture in this blog. It's your lifeglue.

Let me speak with Your tongue
Let me walk with Your feet
Let me act with Your hands
By Your heart may I beat.

Restless/ A God-Shaped Hole

Let me be satisfied. Let me be content and assured.

There is so much evidence that I am truly blessed and honored. Why should I need anything more? Why should I feel so restless and unfulfilled?

There was this old CCM song back when I was in middle school and still listened to WAY-FM. "There's a God-shaped hole in all of us," they sang, "and it's a hold that only he can fill." I remember reading something very similar in Mere Christianity in high school, but of course the melody and lyrics of the CCM song have stuck with me, instead of Lewis' brilliantly-written work of apologetics.

I feel this hole in my heart that longs to be filled with anything -- respect, success, fortune, fame, popularity, a relationship, possessions, and the like -- but is ultimately something that only the Love and Salvation of Christ can truly occupy. Before I can try to gain anything else in this world, I must first be confident in my faith, fully aware that my Lord is my All in All.

Tired.

I just don't know.

There's so much to do, so much I want, and so much to consider. I'm feeling overwhelmed and aimless, with no real plan of where I'm going. Truth be told, I'm terribly afraid of life right now.

The same old things are still weighing on me -- school, the band, commitments I'm afraid I can't live up to, friendships, and of course the ever-present search for that special connection. Wahoo.

It's easy to just give up. It's easy to try to forget about what's already happened and what needs to happen next. It's hard to persevere and to seek God at times like this, but I know that nothing else is going to give me the slightest bit of purpose or satisfaction.

I'm exhausted in every possible way, and I want nothing more than to sleep for days -- to awake and find that all my problems are solved or have simply dissolved into nothingness.

How about those Beatitudes?

I think I posted them in an earlier blog. I'm not checking right now.

³ "Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.

⁵ Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.

⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.

⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.

⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.

⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.

¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹ "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

All this brokenness and all this wandering, yet I am called blessed. It seems ridiculous and unfounded. I need the Kingdom, the comfort, the inheritance, the fulfillment,
the mercy, the vision, and the birthright of my God.

I'm like the Egyptians, lost in the desert. I trod in circles with a promise scarred on my heart and the hope of freedom keeping me alive.

Crossroads

The weather is beautiful - tomorrow (or rather today, seeing as it's 12:02 as I write this) has a predicted high of 75 degrees with lots of sunshine. It's weather for flip flops and popsicles, for sunglasses and naps in the grass. I love it.

As I revel in the gorgeous weather and feelings of summer, I start to feel a bit torn. One one hand, I can't wait for the freedom of summer. I have such great memories of summers with my friends - visits to the quarry, late-night sonic runs, big-wheel races to the swimming pool, shooting short films, making music whether or not it's recorded, and the simple peace of a walk on warm summer night.

On the other hand, I realize that I'm at a crossroads that is, in some ways, bigger than the transition from high school to college. I've grown and "grown up" a lot in the past year, and it seems that this summer will mark a new stage in my life. For the first time, some of my friends from high school will not be coming home this summer. Additionally, several of my friends from Belmont will live here in Nashville in their new apartments and houses. My worlds are colliding.

This morning, I went to Midtown for church. The past few weeks, I hadn't gone, due to silly excuses like being wrapped up in work with my band and sleeping in. I'm glad I finally returned today, though. I feel very much at home there, and I always leave sensing that I am more finely in tune with what God is trying to tell me. It's a good community and a good church for me.

At Midtown today, we took communion. I always try to get my head, heart, and spirit in the right place when I take communion. Writeing about this feels strange and more personal than anything else I've written so far, but I pray and pour myself out onto the ground before God. I try to contemplate just how much I am loved by my Savior and how great a sacrifice He made for me -- an unworthy sinner. Focusing my thoughts and prayers like this helps me to take part more fully in the acts of worship, blessing, and remembrance. It is perhaps my deepest aspiration to be in a more constant state of communion with the Holy Creator.

I knelt at the front and prayed again to be reminded of the Love that covers me, and soon I was given the bread and juice.
"This is Christ's Body, broken for you."
"This is Christ's Blood, shed for you."
Even typing these words I am deeply moved and I feel a tightness in my chest. What an overwhelmingly powerful and tangible reminder of the sacrificial life and death of my savior Jesus... all that he suffered. For me. For you.

As I took communion, I heard the woman who carried the juice and bread speak to another woman to my left, who had been crying.
"Don't hold back. Just let Christ love you for who you are."

I was floored. This was like the secret I'd been waiting to hear. Although I was in a place of submission and reverence when I took communion, I have lately been struggling with insecurity and anxiety. I've been holding myself back and living in fear and selfishness when I ought to be filled instead with the assurance that comes from being loved by Christ. This complete, unchanging, and all-surpassing adoration flows from the Anointed Son to my broken spirit like a river of gold.

I am His, and I am loved. What else can I say?

Bleagh.

In reference to my last post, I'm quite poor and needy. Sometimes I can be a real idiot.
At least it makes me realize how much more I need God.
This is a time for the beatitudes if ever there was one. I'll add them to this post later.

blessed are the poor in spirit

I'm probably just tired and cranky.