Psalm 138

I'll give a bit of preface to this entry. During the day and especially tonight, I began to worry. The good things in my life are certainly good and wonderful gifts from God, but tonight I began to question whether I was deserving of such Grace, and I convinced myself that the things I hoped for were too good to be true.

I let myself fall into a lion's den of despair and second-guessing, calling myself an idiot and believing that I'd end up with the same lonely failures I so feared to repeat. Finally, I decided enough was enough - I'd clear my head and go for a run around campus at 11 at night.

The run was good, although rather short. It helped to clear my thoughts, but not enough to dissolve the pit of anxiety in my stomach. I knew that it was time to speak directly to my God.

Starting outside, sitting against a wall of the Beaman, I worshiped the One who created the beautiful stars and trees before me, and who gave me such a sense of wonder, and such blessed gifts. I lifted up my concerns and hopes, but still felt like I was still holding myself back somewhat. I decided to run to the Bell Tower, which is used as a prayer chapel. It felt like where I ought to be.

I entered the silent, peaceful room and shut the wooden door behind me, then walked through the rows of pews to the altar in front of the large wooden cross. I started by kneeling but I felt that I ought to humble myself further, and so I laid down on the ground and began to pray to my Savior.

Again, I praised the good things He has done, and wondered at the marvelous love Christ holds for me, that drove him to die upon that infamous cross -- all for my sins. I prayed desperately, unloading and releasing all my worries of what could be and what I wanted. "Lord, take this from me if I will not give it up. Take all my worries into your hands and let them fade. Do as you will, not as I desire."

With a heart still burdened, yet deepened by awe, I opened my eyes and saw the Bibles resing ont he mantle. I picked one up and opened it to where the ribbon had bookmarked a spot. It was Psalm 138, a Psalm of praise and thanksgiving which helped me immensely.

I was amazed at how much my night was mirrored in the Psalm. It truly felt written for me

Here's today's study. 

Note: I'm having copy-paste difficulties and I need to go to bed, so I'll finish this tomorrow.

Suffice it to say that even through my doubts, God is constant. Whether or not what I want is accomplished, He is steadfast. I pray that my will would be His, that my joy would come from serving the Perfect will of my Lord, who is the Anointed One. Use me as you will, Father. Fill me with your love!